Sex. It’s a part of life. You do it, your neighbour does it, your parents probably still do it. Now that we have that out of the way it’s time to talk about how a negative sexual experience can hurt your confidence. Whether your first time sucked or you had a toxic ex that made the whole experience emasculating, it can severely hurt your ego, your pride, your overall mental confidence. Maybe you have an addiction to porn, yes gents it’s a real thing, and reality doesn’t mirror what you see on the hub.
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Listen gents, we’ve all been there. There’s no shame in admitting that it’s a reality. So let’s move on from the taboo of it all and talk about how that bad experience has actually been affecting you all this time. To do so, the fellas at Gent’s Post did some digging and had a conversation with Dr. Jess. Dr. Jess is an Arcwave and We-Vibe Ambassador, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast– international speaker and host of Intimately You on CityTv Fridays at midnight.
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Unrealistic Expectations
“For many people, sex has been put up on a pedestal and narrowly defined in one specific way. We create unrealistic expectations of how it should look and feel and when these expectations aren’t met, we can internalize our response” Dr. Jess notes. So how do we internalize all of these unmet expectations?
- Self-blame
- Embarrassment
- Feeling deflated
- Sense of shame
- Secrecy (not seeking help)
Sound familiar? All of these, any of these, could create for insecurities leaving you closed off and it won’t be long before you’re creating what Dr. Jess notes a “negative narrative and expectation moving forward”. To make matters worse, ignoring the signs can put strain on your mental and emotional health which could then put strain on your relationship. You may start to find yourself doing the following:
- Avoiding sex altogether
- Ignoring your sexual and relationship needs out of shame (i.e. I don’t deserve this because of my performance issues)
- You may stay with a partner unhappily because you don’t want them to let your “secret” out (also rooted in shame)
- You may become hyper focused on one element of sex instead of enjoying a range of options
- You may ultimately lash out in frustration at your partner or yourself.
Role-Play
If you share this with your partner, or you happen to be the partner of someone going through this, there are ways you can play an important role in curating a safe space. Dr. Jess notes it’s important to talk about sex regularly, not just when something goes wrong. Provide feedback, compliment, but do so kindly. Learn about your own body enough to be able to articulate to your partner what you want. Finally, be open to a range of explorations beyond intercourse. Who knows what you might find.
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Feature image by Joel Overbeck
